The Crush (My most sincere and only love letter so far)

    

   I was absolutely familiar with the nuances of the impulsion developed, when I saw you. It was Magical. It was like the abrupt cut, with 360degree swish pan back to the first day of my school, someday in the start of the monsoon in 95’. Sitting at a bench in the corner of the room with those weirdly ‘painted in white’ and terribly stinking walls. Staring outside, as it was raining heavily, desperately waiting for the final bell to ring, so can get out and play. And this mild chaos with my inner consciousness and the external boredom in that classroom, clashed with an exquisite view, over the shoulder of this most ugly looking boy sitting few seats beyond me. As it happens in the movies, in slow motion. My consciousness with my eyes along with the on-going chaos, met with the most beautiful sight of my life, little did I know, which was just a beginning of the greatest chaos of my life eventually.. Women, and the Beauty.
Her name was Diana. Which got associated with me in complaints, teasing, sometimes in fights, throughout the duration in school. And after that, never did I happen to meet anyone as striking as her neither felt the urge to fall for someone exactly the way it happened then. Till I encountered you on the fourth day of our training. I fell for you just as a kid does looking at a candy floss. It was so glorious moment for me then, you wore a green colored kurta paired with dark colored bottoms, hair tied neatly with a pony, and just a pile of hair blocking your eye in the right making you look more terrific, but I hardly saw you smiling.. and that extremely drove me crazy by multiplying my curiosity. It was as glorious as it seemed when Jack encounters Rose from downstairs, that scene has a tremendous effect on me ever since (kindly excuse my reference of films, though it’s the only way I could be the Best).

Despite, anybody had said and saying anything about this I wish to convey it to you, that so far it had been only you, for whom I felt to offer my truest admiration and eternal gratitude, for being what you are, so Heavenly Beautiful!
 It’s a wonderful feeling, that so far I couldn’t develop the courage to come and talk to you, or even smile at you for that matter. And makes you terribly special amongst every female in that building. I read this long back and it has been my favorite line, ‘if you respect something, don’t go too close to it!’ and since, I understood the meaning of it, I’ve been living happily throughout. Staring at you without your knowledge is a Bliss and will be forever. I might not be able to tell you this ever, but my respect for your beauty and your being holds the purest form of respect and nothing weird, as some screwhead tries to imagine.

Most importantly I always wanted to say, especially in that game ‘hot seat’ we played in that training, that why you are so beautifully – importantly admirable is - for me, and I am soopersure for thousands like me out there, because you are the kind of a female, who will be as stupendous as ever even when you will turn 80!

I tried to be as simple as I can be with my words, (of which I’m not happy about) just because I wanted to be very sincere and clear about my feelings for you which are very ‘paq saaf ‘ – in urdu it means Divinely true and clean. And I wish you stay young, beautiful and stunning as ever, forever. And I also thank GOD for creating you and being less selfish by sending you on this planet where we poor souls exist. Grazie Signora!a

My God, since, i have finally written this to you and for you.. i'am feeling like the king of the World!

Your Poor victim!
 

Qatl-E-Aam

“the eyes, chico, they never lie!.”

I’ve been trying vigorously.. so far, since, I watched Tony Montana saying this to Chico-Manny Ribera after immensely smitten by Elvira Hancock in Scarface, to understand and analyze what does it actually mean? Does he refers to the intensity in ‘em– or just the eyes of Elvira-or just make it up-or.. I didn’t know and couldn’t figure out too.            

But the experience so far trying to understand that line has been voraciously exciting.  Never missed a chance to try my best, whenever talking to an intense person-especially a female or females for that matter. Initially I thought maybe that’s why they say ‘it’s very difficult to understand a woman’ but eventually it hit me, in that case it’s also ‘impossible to understand any person on this planet’. By that I mean, that a person has a certain idea about the other person, and as theyhe/she gets the information about the other person their knowledge is limited & no one would ‘rightly’ care to spare time to keep understanding everyone they meet, talk, work with, live with or at times ‘sleep-with’. So considering that random-illogical-established-belief was an insult to my ever-evolving thought process and substantial knowledge of my love for females and it’s reasons. Well, I will get into details about that, some other time, since, I don’t want to dissipate this energy of mine and most importantly this vehemence, to EXPRESS, after quite a while..  

Now i don’t remember the day, but just like an another day I was sitting here at my workplace, ‘working’-involuntarily, not talking to anyone around, lost!-for certain & obvious reasons.. I see this terrifically stunning girl walking towards the restroom which is located exactly on the floor where everybody works. I wanted to kill the engineer who designed it, the authorized body who wanted it that way and every male who relentlessly stuck their eyeballs towards that restroom. Because from that very moment I felt the immense urge to kill all of them to make this place a filth, where this terrifically beautiful female has to pass by. I developed this yearning with utter consciousness and intensity as I do for everything I wish and want to do..Since, my childhood. But if you think or have developed an impression about me being, maniacally a loon (which I care a damn about and don’t give a fuck), my reason will serve the purpose.

Coming back to the scene I was describing about this girl I encountered that day, yeahh.. SHE WAS STUNNING and the very sight of her was extremely terrific. Now certainly when it’s talked about women and it’s about praising them, ‘TO THE CORE!’ (this is somethin’ I got from my #TheTamilConnection), instantly it highlights the attention towards the physical aspect, and m not gonna deny that but refuse to accept it as the main agent of inspiration to write this. Indeed, the reason itself is pretty insanely killer and hazardous.. ‘em Eyes!

 

Yes her ‘eyes’ .. I resist to use the lines such as, ‘they are deep’ ‘most beautiful eyes ever seen’ and s#$%..nope! Not that shit! I was highly smitten by the way she uses her eyes, more than how they are ardently delineated. Every time I encounter them, it strikes me as an artwork. Her eyes just outvies her whole body and I seriously believe she commands over her body language through her eyes as they does to our heart beats as she enters this place. And this has a tremendous effect on the keen observers who long, just for a sight of her, once in a day. And the rest belongs to the ‘herd’. 

The intend of her, might not be cruelly murderous to do what turns out to be an ecstatic effect on poor beings like me, but my intend has always been to get afflicted, consciously for the extreme high I get. When one finds something out of his/her reach, it makes ‘em crazy but when one realizes & accepts this fact;It enlightens ‘em! I don’t know why the fuck did I use that line? But I hope it added some philosophic element to what I want to convey. Anyways, If I could. I would write a book about her..Which I think m gonna do eventually.. but m trying my best, in every possible way to make it short & precise, just not to bore her and spare her precious time reading this (hopefully), unlike unimportant-ugly beings like u n me who has all the time of this universe to make the utmost less out of it and do nothing.

Besides, the blessed encounters of her hands, hair..aah ‘em mountain of curls are bliss to stare, nose, and at times that exquisite angle ..like in the noir movies (not for u unintellectual – so called ’movie-buffs’) my vision pierce sharply into the zoom-in mode when I look back to have a glimpse of her.. gorgeousness and gorgeousity..it creates a Mayhem.. the smile which is ultra-rare and should be since, it’s not coming from an ordinary-manufactured face but from an aesthetically incepted creation of the supreme power, they call him GOD.. and her voice, which I haven’t heard so far and that’s tranquilizing.. at times I wonder it’d be easy to get a woman deliver the baby than to c or make her laugh, but I have the strongest belief that I would witness that before this life gives up on me as all the females out here did on themselves (I’m soopersure-also, who lives around her) since the day, she arrived.. The most important & intriguing thing about her is – The Invisible Wall!

That’s what every girl tries at her best to create and fall along with it, breaking their nose and others’ too. Because it’s essential for every beautiful being like her, to create that wall to protect themselves from the herd and every living being who are unequal-unmatchable to their beauty, brains and intensity.

 

As intensely she kills us with ‘em ultra-killa Eyes & attitude, we gladly wish to die every day and voraciously crave to stab the person, to death who schedules her day-off when we have to work without seeing her and after that turn out an inept after the shift ends, desperately wishes to murder everyone on the street out of disappointment and since, so much violence is involved in praising and sharing the most terrific experience with an exquisitely vehement female.. 

I named it..‘Qatl-E-Am!’

  In addition, I just want you to know..u r one of the most intriguingly intense and vehemently gorgeous females I have ever seen.. and trust me it’s rare, so stay raw and keep killin’.. Killa Gal!

An episode of a Stupendous Smile!

“My intuition turned into a strong discernment, as I entered this room and saw you for the first time. That most of the boys here are smitten & spellbound by your very appearance!”

These were the words my voice bled, when I first happened to talk to her (while I was introducing myself to the class).

Well it was the first day of training in this new organization in the New Year. Wasn’t really excited, since, it was a morning shift and the fellow trainees seemed just like another ‘regular herd’. I saw this female in the training room, in a deep sermon with the IT guy. I thought she must be from the HR team, but she seemed very pissed off figuring out what the IT guy was actually doing, it was 10:00am and the trainees were still entering the class (as the training was scheduled for 09:00am) and for other certain & uncertain reasons which I was morosely contemplating, staring at her. Finally to my surprise & utter joy she acknowledged everybody in the class.. ‘she will be the Voice & Accent trainer for the next 10days’. I still remember that rapturous excitement, I felt.

She wore a Black Kurta and paired it with similarly textured pants. The kohl was perfectly applied from the inner corner of her eyelids to the outside. Her hair tied up neatly. Everything made her look very elegant; especially her foxy voice which amplified her presence in the room, before adding the final touch: Her Stupendous Smile!

Sinamika - The Shortest Love Story of my Life!

It was just an another appalling night for me. Was a Day-off at office, so spent d day as usual watching movies, Facebook updates, Watsapp & stuff. And by night, i reached the Local Bar to have a Beer, secretly carrying GODBROTHER's Credit Card. Since, I didn't have money but wanted to sit, have beer & listen to music all alone.(Damn! M I getting used to it? I shud kill myself)

Only few days ago heard from my Ex-Girlfrnd (with no access to a better word) that she's going to get married by next month, But Hello! This wasn’t as grievous as you might assume, there are lot more better things I need to worry about these days..Anyways that doesn't have to anything with this story..

After two beers I went into a deep sermon with my struggling thoughts, ideas & desires.. The music was played too loud through my earphones synchronizing with the 'High' I was into, by fueling it. It was 22:49hrs and my phone Beeped (WTF 'Beeped?')  and there was a Message on dFB-messenger. The reason I’m exaggerating so much is because it was rare & and it just happened like a movie scene. So exclusively that I almost didn't believe it happened... as I checked my phone it was her reply to my earlier message which I did a day ago and didn't even expect she would care to reply.. There was an enlighting smile on my face & it was 'Hey Sinamika' on d music player.The humming went so terrifically well with the timing of getting d msg that I forgot I was sitting in a Bar and started singing d song. I felt like Gene Kelly ..'I'm singing in the rain'. 

The most ironical part in these chain of events was that I was instantly smitten by her for the very first time i happened to see her on Facebook, few days ago while we were engaged commenting on a mutual friend's post.. there was something different about this gal.. Her eyes, so tender, has something divine in 'em, the most cutest Nose I have ever seen, than of new born babies'.. the Lips, Ah.. like they were bitten by an ant structuring it so beautifully sensuous since her inception.. She seemed more like a ManiRatnam movie heroine to me.. Then began an inscrutable battle with my desire & fear to interact with her and d messenger was d arena where these two intensively driven emotions clashed and met nd gave me all the courage of this world to message her..I just got connected with all these feelings and that was fuckin' very quick!

Yes.. I did go through her profile, not to know about her but to enhance my visual ecstatic pleasure by looking at her pictures. It was a real Ecstasy, it was super human for me.. A female so pretty & beautiful chatting with me ..it was out of this world! And the music player of my phone was like dedicated to this song  'Sinamika' it's still playing, since then. The very reason, the song has been so impulsive with this gal is, Like Her, It’s as soothing n as heavenly beautiful.. Simply ecstatic! Next time if I ever thank GOD it'd be for creating her and for not being too selfish to keep her in heaven than sending on this universe where unworthy creatures like me exist.

I had the greatest time chatting with her in d most cutest & shortest time period of my life and there was a moment I had d chance to admire her with utter sincerity by expressing my thoughts for her.. I'm greatly thankful to her n will owe this to her till my last breathe n even after that..

I never heard her voice, never met her, may b cud never see her in person but whatever happened in these days is far beyond than friendship, love, lust.. I called it Super-Human coz it’s more like a devotion of a child to a mother, a disciple to a master, a beggar to a hope.. And This is it, I m Thankfully glad & Gladly thankful to her & GOD that this magic happened.. 

Few days ago she invited me to her marriage which is going to be held in coming few days.. 

I msgd her saying "yeh duniya ki sabse chotti prem kahani hogi!"

She sent a smiley and replied,"yeah.. Sabse chotti!"

‘Hey Sinamika’ is a Tamil Song from ManiRatnam’s latest movie ‘Ok Kanmani’ composed by the Mozart A R RahmaanSaab.
And I didn't feel bad for myself, upon knowing about her marriage, but for her, and why? will share that in coming few days.. Till then Love & Live the moment than wasting the precious time crippin' about what didn't happen.. Ciao!

Happy? BIRHTDAY!

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself”  – Friedrich Nietzsche.

The only reason I quoted this from my very favorite, Nietzsche’s thought process about individualism is that it always reminds and make me realize that I haven’t developed any individuality of my own self and refused to pay the price for it.. Being a ‘Wimp’ and a USELESS BUM. And I started hating to celebrate my own birthday after this self-surveillance, in spite of achieving whatever I have, which i haven't yet anything. So why shud i be so gung-ho about wanting to celebrate my birth?

As a mere fact i don’t think my born calls for a celebration, In effect when i have absolutely no control or no contribution in the process of what, who and why my parents gave me birth, why should i make such a big deal about celebrating it? As they have contributed rather i would say devoted their lives for my upbringing since my birth, i have no right to celebrate anything about myself if i have at least not being worth of their values and hard work!

Bala is one of the greatest & special person sent for me with my Parents, GODBROTHER, MAMAJI, Annie, Reggie & Shammy. Who has been & are the key of my exploration to various aspects of life, and exploring my own certain talents & also heartening them. but i didn’t even try to push myself a lil, instead i caused much more aggravated damages on their terms. so most of the things I’ve done were all on other's account and i only have creditability for being a worthless & non-achiever. Which hurted them and i want to put a full stop to it, and at least unlade them forever.     

I cheated on this girl who did everything possible and beyond that, just to make me feel good every-single-day in all these years since we met. She worthlessly put all her creativity, efforts, time and most importantly LOVE to make this day (few years ago) so special that it actually is the Biggest Surprise of my Life rather i would say that 'Monumental!'

 The only female after my mother, to whom I’ve devoted myself!

If i gather the pieces of my GODBROTHER's youth, all of 'em are dedicated to felicitate me. when i asked him, 'how come u don’t get mad at me, even after i do so many wrong things?', he replied 'i wouldn’t even regret if i have to Burn in Hell for you, coz' you r my brother and i love you' I’ve never seen and i doubt would ever see a BROTHER with such modesty and a personality which is so Ironical. and i will be surely burn in hell and punished badly for at least not being 1/4 worth of what he did for me! 

And my AMMA she has faced the 'HORRORS' of this world right from the day before i was born till date, if i start writing about it you need to spare a lifetime. i owe my life and everything to her. 

These above facts kind of sums up my feelings about birthdays. I consider a greeting for my birthday as a truly ugly reminder that I am getting that much older and that much more nearer to death and consequently I have that much less time to do whatever I want to do. i will celebrate everything about myself and make y'all my lovers and haters to join me when I’ll be a prime mover, Hard Worker, when i can achieve the pure art with my gifted talents and skills, when i will never be mitigated by others, when i will oppose the councils or committees of individuals which lead to compromise and mediocrity and "watering down" the very completed vision.

When i will learn to and will rail against convention.

Till then please don’t waste your time and efforts to type, think, copy-paste, forward me messages to greet, (Especially who got a reminder from FACEBOOK and Other Social networking Sources – Can F*&K OFF!) thinking it will make me feel good or like a star, it's just going to worsen my day! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Annie!

 Since after a self-surveillance I happened to develop this belief towards the concept of Birthdays, that the obsession for birthdays most primarily comes from an intense fear of an individual that his or her existence might not matter to anybody else. So at least on that one particular day if an X number of people greet, it will make you feel like a star at least for that day and then you can wait like a nobody for another year to go by to become a star for yet another one day. For most of you It would be a crap, but it Is a fact to a great extend. If at all anyone needs to celebrate, they and their near ones should celebrate their achievements and not that they are born. One is just happened to be born the way millions of people, animals and insects get born every day.  I hardly wish anyone on any occasions  coz’ I just hate the idea of doing it for the sake of it and it annoys me if anyone wishes me too.

But as I believe in celebrating one’s achievement to the fullest, this part of my writing is purely dedicated to this female, who’s not only beautiful but a magnificent creation of GOD’s artistic aesthetic. I use such words not because of any certain reasons but for the real outburst of Respect, Admiration & Jealousy.

So long I’ve got the most of the best, important and necessary things or leanings, firstly from my Mother, GOD-Brother and my Dearest & most feared ‘MAMAJi’ and eventually from everywhere & everyone I met. But I absorbed and implied those learnings after a very long time, sometimes it was too late and sometimes it was balanced. But I think and believe that every GOOD thing come out of me is only because of others and ‘iam’ solely responsible for all the BAD. And this female had a Far-Reaching impact on me all along.

She’s one of those females on this planet, whom I call ‘The Quintessential Beauty’ , by not only considering her physical appearance but, by her Attitude. But yes, when I say BEAUTY, it just takes me back in the memory of how I went crazy about her for the first time. I had this DVD back then, which had almost all the videos of MICHAEL JACKSON and it was ‘THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL’ I used to watch it regularly because of.. Obviously THE KING OF POP and his moves but I was in love with the model Tatiana Thumbtzen who is in the video. 

God.. I was into a deep mesmerization back then. It was her Figure and Hair.. Oh! It’s Terrific!  Now I met this girl quite a few times before the day I thoroughly observed her, it just happened.. It wasn’t intentional, and I don’t feel CHEAP about it. You great things just Happens!  Her physique, especially her Figure resembled a lot to of Tatiana’s to me. I think it was a sheer and absolute impulse, I was following at that time, with that video thing and this girl. It was Crazy man and I love it!

She had the longest and beautiful hair I’ve ever seen till then. God would’ve given her some brains while chopping it. I hardly remember she ever had been to a beauty parlor then. Yeah I remember once, years ago, we met at a Movie theatre and she was all dressed up nice and had some hair done and the eyebrows too. i never saw her like that before so it was strange for me, I found the whole thing so bizarre that I just bursted out laughing and kept taunting her ‘BADLY’ infornt of her & my friends, Little did I realize that the last laugh will be on me…!  

I have seen her struggling through her toughest times when everyone & everything around her has been isolated, including me, to a larger extend that one could have easily expected to be BROKE! Things went HayWay, For a lack of a better word ‘Screwed up’. But she faced it, with all the courage and patience. Which I actually think was unconventional at her age then. For me it had been & will always be an exclusive & valiant example of the quote from Pacino “there are two kinds of people in this world: those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover. Cover is better” and like the protagonist in the movie Charlie Simms she refused the advice and faced the music. So her so called ’Friends’ back then can ‘GO TO HELL!’ now.

Now having said all these things about her obviously I would feel or want to be with such a Respectable & beautiful female I’ve known ever. Yes I wanted to, but here’s the thing why I wrote earlier that she had a Far-Reaching impact on me all along. Few days ago I wished someone on a social networking site on her birthday, I wrote something which was quite considerably good. This female sent me a message next day that “People actually start believing d way u write Abt thm…..u should be a writer… Who can write all fiction..”     the reason I shared this is only because what I feel about her or if I want to be with her has only been subjective, but what she made me realize was the absolute truth, which broke my my illusion, that she is a kind of much supremist that I don’t even have the key authenticity to think so, to be with her. Im really thankful to her and will always owe this to her till my last breathe.

The only two reasons I will keep celebrating her birthday is for me she’s the epitome of beauty with honor and she shares her birthday with one of the Biggest star on the Planet, S R K !   

All these things are the real contribution and struggle towards one’s own immortality of their individualism, which lives forever. And for me they have re-defined the value & importance of birth!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Annie!

I won’t say GOD BLESS YOU, coz’ you are the Blessed & the CHOSEN one sent on this planet, BE WELL!

The Classical ROCKSTAR!

                     

First of all I want to confess that I’m jealous of Nelson after watching his performance being aired on the National Television. Yes being equally or less talented than him, I felt being green eyed since he messaged me about his appearance on the National T.V.

 But this comes from my heart not because we knew each other since childhood or were fellas back in school or for any such certain reasons; I truly felt it was BRILLIANT! The way he carried & performed throughout the act didn’t really made me or my mother feel that he’s some one I know or its his DEBUT performance (if m not wrong). He was very confident, engrossed and he did 

‘LET IT FLY!’

I heard what he sang Exclusively, almost an year ago when I happened to meet him and his band in regards to a proposal to perform at my own event, (which was a BiGGEST FLOP) so was my idea of our association. I was mesmerized since then of the fact that how he has transformed & nurtured his talent so far. Most of us have seen him as a shy guy and heard him singing the classical stuff back in school, and hardly we all met after that. I remember I often teased him for that classical thing. I cussed myself ever for doing that. After a long time I happened to meet him near station while having a Smoke and really didn’t recognize him then. He got this Long hair, Brett-Beard and wore some losers clothes on. For a moment I had this thing on my mind if he had developed such EGO too, but he proved me wrong. He was the same Low-Key guy I knew back then in school. We exchanged our contacts and left, but never called each other till last year. Though our planned collaboration didn’t go through for lot of reasons and I completely blame myself for that and want to Apologize to him and his fellow musicians.

I also want to thank him BiG TIME, coz’ if I weren’t to know about his performance to be aired on T.V. then I would have gone to watch ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR’ for the fourth time but wudn’t have known about AIMS (AVENUES OF INTERNATIONAL MEDIA), for whom he performed. Why? Because it deals with the World of Movies, an extreme obsession of mine.

Soon will plan an Event and would execute all the ideas we discussed amongst us. And would love to see him performing live. We all love you very much especially BALA (Magesh), PraveenSon, Rajesh, Sahmmy. We would be glad to see you perform in many more events and we know you will. More than everything I would like to say, Bro ‘You Really Make us Proud and Happy!’ with the art form you are associated with.   

Keep doing the hard work, nurture your talent & KEEP ROCKIN’ all over!

And always remember You Are SPECIAL, Be Well!

                                                                 

            *All those who missed his performance, I request you to share the link of the video.