The Crush (My most sincere and only love letter so far)

    

   I was absolutely familiar with the nuances of the impulsion developed, when I saw you. It was Magical. It was like the abrupt cut, with 360degree swish pan back to the first day of my school, someday in the start of the monsoon in 95’. Sitting at a bench in the corner of the room with those weirdly ‘painted in white’ and terribly stinking walls. Staring outside, as it was raining heavily, desperately waiting for the final bell to ring, so can get out and play. And this mild chaos with my inner consciousness and the external boredom in that classroom, clashed with an exquisite view, over the shoulder of this most ugly looking boy sitting few seats beyond me. As it happens in the movies, in slow motion. My consciousness with my eyes along with the on-going chaos, met with the most beautiful sight of my life, little did I know, which was just a beginning of the greatest chaos of my life eventually.. Women, and the Beauty.
Her name was Diana. Which got associated with me in complaints, teasing, sometimes in fights, throughout the duration in school. And after that, never did I happen to meet anyone as striking as her neither felt the urge to fall for someone exactly the way it happened then. Till I encountered you on the fourth day of our training. I fell for you just as a kid does looking at a candy floss. It was so glorious moment for me then, you wore a green colored kurta paired with dark colored bottoms, hair tied neatly with a pony, and just a pile of hair blocking your eye in the right making you look more terrific, but I hardly saw you smiling.. and that extremely drove me crazy by multiplying my curiosity. It was as glorious as it seemed when Jack encounters Rose from downstairs, that scene has a tremendous effect on me ever since (kindly excuse my reference of films, though it’s the only way I could be the Best).

Despite, anybody had said and saying anything about this I wish to convey it to you, that so far it had been only you, for whom I felt to offer my truest admiration and eternal gratitude, for being what you are, so Heavenly Beautiful!
 It’s a wonderful feeling, that so far I couldn’t develop the courage to come and talk to you, or even smile at you for that matter. And makes you terribly special amongst every female in that building. I read this long back and it has been my favorite line, ‘if you respect something, don’t go too close to it!’ and since, I understood the meaning of it, I’ve been living happily throughout. Staring at you without your knowledge is a Bliss and will be forever. I might not be able to tell you this ever, but my respect for your beauty and your being holds the purest form of respect and nothing weird, as some screwhead tries to imagine.

Most importantly I always wanted to say, especially in that game ‘hot seat’ we played in that training, that why you are so beautifully – importantly admirable is - for me, and I am soopersure for thousands like me out there, because you are the kind of a female, who will be as stupendous as ever even when you will turn 80!

I tried to be as simple as I can be with my words, (of which I’m not happy about) just because I wanted to be very sincere and clear about my feelings for you which are very ‘paq saaf ‘ – in urdu it means Divinely true and clean. And I wish you stay young, beautiful and stunning as ever, forever. And I also thank GOD for creating you and being less selfish by sending you on this planet where we poor souls exist. Grazie Signora!a

My God, since, i have finally written this to you and for you.. i'am feeling like the king of the World!

Your Poor victim!
 

Qatl-E-Aam

“the eyes, chico, they never lie!.”

I’ve been trying vigorously.. so far, since, I watched Tony Montana saying this to Chico-Manny Ribera after immensely smitten by Elvira Hancock in Scarface, to understand and analyze what does it actually mean? Does he refers to the intensity in ‘em– or just the eyes of Elvira-or just make it up-or.. I didn’t know and couldn’t figure out too.            

But the experience so far trying to understand that line has been voraciously exciting.  Never missed a chance to try my best, whenever talking to an intense person-especially a female or females for that matter. Initially I thought maybe that’s why they say ‘it’s very difficult to understand a woman’ but eventually it hit me, in that case it’s also ‘impossible to understand any person on this planet’. By that I mean, that a person has a certain idea about the other person, and as theyhe/she gets the information about the other person their knowledge is limited & no one would ‘rightly’ care to spare time to keep understanding everyone they meet, talk, work with, live with or at times ‘sleep-with’. So considering that random-illogical-established-belief was an insult to my ever-evolving thought process and substantial knowledge of my love for females and it’s reasons. Well, I will get into details about that, some other time, since, I don’t want to dissipate this energy of mine and most importantly this vehemence, to EXPRESS, after quite a while..  

Now i don’t remember the day, but just like an another day I was sitting here at my workplace, ‘working’-involuntarily, not talking to anyone around, lost!-for certain & obvious reasons.. I see this terrifically stunning girl walking towards the restroom which is located exactly on the floor where everybody works. I wanted to kill the engineer who designed it, the authorized body who wanted it that way and every male who relentlessly stuck their eyeballs towards that restroom. Because from that very moment I felt the immense urge to kill all of them to make this place a filth, where this terrifically beautiful female has to pass by. I developed this yearning with utter consciousness and intensity as I do for everything I wish and want to do..Since, my childhood. But if you think or have developed an impression about me being, maniacally a loon (which I care a damn about and don’t give a fuck), my reason will serve the purpose.

Coming back to the scene I was describing about this girl I encountered that day, yeahh.. SHE WAS STUNNING and the very sight of her was extremely terrific. Now certainly when it’s talked about women and it’s about praising them, ‘TO THE CORE!’ (this is somethin’ I got from my #TheTamilConnection), instantly it highlights the attention towards the physical aspect, and m not gonna deny that but refuse to accept it as the main agent of inspiration to write this. Indeed, the reason itself is pretty insanely killer and hazardous.. ‘em Eyes!

 

Yes her ‘eyes’ .. I resist to use the lines such as, ‘they are deep’ ‘most beautiful eyes ever seen’ and s#$%..nope! Not that shit! I was highly smitten by the way she uses her eyes, more than how they are ardently delineated. Every time I encounter them, it strikes me as an artwork. Her eyes just outvies her whole body and I seriously believe she commands over her body language through her eyes as they does to our heart beats as she enters this place. And this has a tremendous effect on the keen observers who long, just for a sight of her, once in a day. And the rest belongs to the ‘herd’. 

The intend of her, might not be cruelly murderous to do what turns out to be an ecstatic effect on poor beings like me, but my intend has always been to get afflicted, consciously for the extreme high I get. When one finds something out of his/her reach, it makes ‘em crazy but when one realizes & accepts this fact;It enlightens ‘em! I don’t know why the fuck did I use that line? But I hope it added some philosophic element to what I want to convey. Anyways, If I could. I would write a book about her..Which I think m gonna do eventually.. but m trying my best, in every possible way to make it short & precise, just not to bore her and spare her precious time reading this (hopefully), unlike unimportant-ugly beings like u n me who has all the time of this universe to make the utmost less out of it and do nothing.

Besides, the blessed encounters of her hands, hair..aah ‘em mountain of curls are bliss to stare, nose, and at times that exquisite angle ..like in the noir movies (not for u unintellectual – so called ’movie-buffs’) my vision pierce sharply into the zoom-in mode when I look back to have a glimpse of her.. gorgeousness and gorgeousity..it creates a Mayhem.. the smile which is ultra-rare and should be since, it’s not coming from an ordinary-manufactured face but from an aesthetically incepted creation of the supreme power, they call him GOD.. and her voice, which I haven’t heard so far and that’s tranquilizing.. at times I wonder it’d be easy to get a woman deliver the baby than to c or make her laugh, but I have the strongest belief that I would witness that before this life gives up on me as all the females out here did on themselves (I’m soopersure-also, who lives around her) since the day, she arrived.. The most important & intriguing thing about her is – The Invisible Wall!

That’s what every girl tries at her best to create and fall along with it, breaking their nose and others’ too. Because it’s essential for every beautiful being like her, to create that wall to protect themselves from the herd and every living being who are unequal-unmatchable to their beauty, brains and intensity.

 

As intensely she kills us with ‘em ultra-killa Eyes & attitude, we gladly wish to die every day and voraciously crave to stab the person, to death who schedules her day-off when we have to work without seeing her and after that turn out an inept after the shift ends, desperately wishes to murder everyone on the street out of disappointment and since, so much violence is involved in praising and sharing the most terrific experience with an exquisitely vehement female.. 

I named it..‘Qatl-E-Am!’

  In addition, I just want you to know..u r one of the most intriguingly intense and vehemently gorgeous females I have ever seen.. and trust me it’s rare, so stay raw and keep killin’.. Killa Gal!